Yesterday, we received a Department of Homeland Security U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services I-797C Notice of Action - Appointment Notice, instructing Isabella to appear at the USCIS office three hours away at 8 a.m. on February 16, so that USCIS may "capture [her] biometrics." Uh, say what?
Everyone else that we have talked to says that their I-797C Notice of Action says "Welcome..." with no mention of an appointment. SO... I call the telephone number on the notice. That call goes about as well as expected.
First, I listen to the menu options. At about the seventh option that does not describe the purpose of my call, I decide to be smart and press '0' for an operator. USCIS has anticipated my move, and has the phone system set to punish me: the menu options restart. I am a fast learner: this time, I let the menu options run all the way through... and confirm that none of the nine options suit me. The menu restarts a third time, and I press '2' -- it still doesn't fit my situation, since my situation hasn't changed in the past 20 minutes, but pressing something seems like the best plan.
Success! This new menu includes an option to speak with a representative. A live person. Perfect. "Please hold..."
The music is easy to tune out. I begin to ignore, when suddenly the background music is interrupted by an important message:
"The fees that you pay for filing an application or petition are used to process your form and [insert dramatic pause] they are NONREFUNDABLE!"
Huh.
The music resumes. I am just beginning to tune it out again when another message is given by the same cheerily ominous male voice:
"To prevent delays, please review your application package. Make sure that you have included all of the necessary documentation before submitting it to USCIS."
Seriously? Has any person in the history of mankind ever heard one of these witty reminders and thought OH THANK YOU! What a great thought, let me hang up now and get right on that!
I spend the rest of my time on hold (40 minutes, but who's counting?) trying to guess what the next reminder will be. Each successive message is as inane as the last. I start making a list of suggestions for future public service messages:
To prevent delays, please place the correct postage on your application. If you fail to do so, your application may be returned to you by the U.S. Postal Service.
Exercise caution when sealing your application. Paper cuts from licking the envelope seal may be painful, and treatment of any resulting infection is NOT a reimbursable or tax deductible expense.
Make sure that you have adjusted the volume on your telephone to a safe level to prevent hearing loss caused by listening to boringly unhelpful hints at high decibels.
Do not drive to your appointment under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Driving while intoxicated may cause death, serious injury, and property damage, and may further delay your application.
My self-amusement is cut short when my call is finally answered. I ask whether the appointment was set in error, given that Isabella is just seven months old and no one else seems to have heard of this. Do they really intend to take her fingerprints or other biometrics?
"Yes, USCIS needs to take her photograph for her green card."
Me: "Really? You want me to drive 160 miles over a mountain pass, in February, with an infant in the back seat, so that you can take her photograph? Is there any way around this?"
"No. We must take her photograph. Would you like me to repeat this information?"
I bite my tongue. Saying the first thing that comes to mind would probably end with black SUVs in my driveway and Jack Bauer shouting in the background "Do you trust me? RUN!"
Instead, I force myself to say thank you as if I might actually mean it, hang up, and promptly call a friend to find out if the green card comes into play at any point in the citizenship application process. It doesn't, so I decide to check the box on the Appointment Notice "Please reschedule my appointment." Isabella will not be applying for employment or traveling internationally in the next few months, so why not skip the green card?
My plan: to keep rescheduling the appointment until our readoption is finalized and the citizenship application is approved, then tell USCIS that they can keep the green card. Politely, of course.
We'll see how that works out for us...
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UGH. what a PAIN! hoping your plan works out!
ReplyDeleteOh USCIS how we love thee! We had trouble getting Bete's green card - not the same as you, but for some reason it just didn't come. I called to see what was up and was told that "until a child has been in custody of it's parent for 2 years it is not considered a child and so is not issued a green card...please call back in 2 years and request one". Before asking to speak to a supervisor, I politely asked if my 10 month old was not considered a child, what should I consider her? The supervisor checked Bete's case and said that the green card was just late in coming and we should expect it in 3-4 weeks. They should use Isabella's picture off her "secret envelope" paperwork that Almaz gives out the last day, and I would not be surprised if you receive her green card anyway. EVERY time I've talked to USCIS I've ended up asking for a supervisor and have gotten a completely different answer than the first person I talked to gave me.
ReplyDeleteI love your public service messages....they are so much more entertaining than the ones they have on there! You should go work for USCIS. :)