Medicine and Mommy Brain

After exchanging multiple messages with our international pediatrician, waiting 30 minutes at the pharmacy to fill the prescription, taking another 10 minutes to fill out the application for the pharmacy's member discount program, and then driving 150 miles roundtrip to hand it off to AGCI, precious medicine is on its way to Isabella. 

In the process, we confirmed that it does, indeed, cost $200 to send a small package from the U.S. to Ethiopia.  The delivery cost is covered by AGCI as part of its service, but wow!  no wonder adoption fees are so high.  Although donations of clothes, formula, baby wipes, rice cereal, shoes, and other much-needed items are couriered by families when they travel, sensitive paperwork like our dossier, and urgent items like this medicine, are sent at great cost.

After delivering the medicine to AGCI's office and confirming that I would be on the travel call as scheduled 30 minutes later... I managed to space on the travel call!  Seriously.  A friend came to keep me company on the drive, and we got completely lost leaving AGCI’s office.  We drove around the Rose Garden twice, crossing 4 different bridges, and by the time we were done laughed ourselves silly.  Then I looked at the clock.  Oops.  A mea culpa call to Julie was on the agenda.

Meanwhile, I kept thinking that I should call Grandma and tell her that I would be late getting home to pick up Matthew.  Matthew, who was sitting in the back seat through all of this.  I have mommy brain, without the hormones to blame it on.

Praising... and ready to catch the next flight to Addis

Thank you for your prayers!  The diagnosis on Friday's additional information is positive.  I am breathing easier.  Poor baby though, between the earlier issue and the latest issue today, Bella is having a tough time of it. 

I just broke down and asked Jon if we could blow our budget and fly to Ethiopia next week to spend a few days loving on her.  Unfortunately, he doesn't think he can take a week off work even now, and I think I would feel guilty leaving him home for an unnecessary trip.  Maybe. 

My emotions are drowning out my rational side, shouting throw caution to the wind and GO!  Hold her, hug her, kiss her, comfort her, change her diaper, hear her cry, make her laugh, watch her sleep...  If my emotions keep this up, I may be ready to blow the budget by myself in another 24 hours (sorry Jon!).  :)

Another Update

Our Case Manager called with information about a new, very minor health issue.  In the short term, Isabella is uncomfortable, perhaps even in pain, but compared to other potential issues, this one feels like a relief.  It is treatable. It will not have any long-term consequences.  It does make me yearn all the more to be there with her, to comfort her, to love and care for her as only her own mother can. 

Tentative countdown:  85-odd days to court and 120-odd days to Homecoming Day...  that feels so long to wait!

3 Months Old

We marked Isabella's 3 month birthday with decadent chocolate cake. 

Matthew blew out the candles for her. 

We are longing and praying for you, sweetie.

Additional Referral Information

Earlier today, a surprise phone call from our Case Manager reminded me yet again how easy it is to think and say/type the right thing, but how much tougher it is to live it when push comes to shove. Remember what I wrote about praying and preparing, and all of the unknown risks? (That's okay, I had to scroll down and re-read it too!) Well, here we go...

AGCI has stressed that they share all new information that they get, significant or insignificant, and leave it to our discretion to consult with our international pediatrician and determine whether we want to proceed. 

The Additional Referral Information that we received today is likely benign.  If Matthew had exhibited similar symptoms, we would not have thought that much about it, much less mentioned it to our family doctor.  In contrast, Isabella's symptoms have been reviewed by a doctor in Ethiopia (who was not concerned),  and we have sent the new information to our international pediatrician for further review. 

I am convinced that we will be told what we already know:  the symptoms are probably nothing to be concerned about, just something a lot of babies experience, but they may be indicative of a significant health issue that will materialize as she grows older.  The symptoms are a tiny red flag in the distance, one that we will interpret in hindsight.

Hearing Julie say "issue" immediately had my heart pounding and my blood pressure up.  The comfort and hope that I have on an intellectual level were tested by the emotions of the moment. 

I'm not sure even now exactly what Julie said - "medical issue" or "potential issue," or maybe just "I have additional information?" it's funny how you focus on your biggest fear.  Eyewitness identification is incredibly unreliable because in the stress of the moment, people focus on the weapon. Well, that was me when I got this call!

While I am convinced that this is what we are supposed to be doing, that our daughter is in Ethiopia and that we will bring her home soon (joy!), I also realize that the road that we are on may not lead where we want it to, or it may have detours and bumps along the way.  That scares me, I'll admit, some days more than others.

We will continue in prayer, as sobering as the unknown and uncertain may be at times.  Everyone who welcomes a child into their family, whether by birth or adoption, accepts risk, whether they realize it or not!

And so it is that I end the day praying with one of my favorite verses in mind: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

Black Gold

The Movie.  We rented Black Gold last week. An interesting documentary, worth watching especially if you have a heart for Ethiopia and a love of coffee, it  falls short of explaining the "why" of coffee farming challenges and the broader economic conditions in Ethiopia.  For example, farm subsidies in developed nations are cited as one reason Ethiopian farmers are unable to competitively market other commodities.  The challenges in fact run much deeper, and are (I think!) primarily domestic in origin. 

Economic Overview.

• The Ethiopian economy [began] to prosper in the 1960s and early 1970s, thanks to a vigorous capitalist agriculture. The growth caused considerable social unrest as peasant farmers were thrown off their land or forced to sell out . . . to create plantations or large truck farms. The military regime regarded that consolidation as inequitable and exploitative, and its land reform brought economic development to an abrupt halt. Moreover, the government assumed broad responsibility for the economy and, through a variety of parastatal organizations, sought also to become purchasing agent, jobber, wholesaler, and transporter. These activities devastated the Ethiopian economy, leading to underdevelopment. If recent history teaches anything, it is that the government must abandon the command economy, liberate the peasants to work out their own destinies, and facilitate the market. Marcus, Harold. A History of Ethiopia. Berkeley: University of California Press, 2002.

Marxist Economic Policies. In the late 1970’s, the new government nationalized most industries, subsequently mismanaging them. Farming in particular suffered: “The government was so doctrinaire that it squandered its limited resources on propping up inefficient state farms and in sponsoring forms of collective agriculture.” (Marcus) With socialism came a lack of incentive to invest, a fear of investment by foreigners, and a lack of incentive to innovate. Farming methods in Ethiopia remained archaic and inefficient, floundering while their Western counterparts evolved and thrived. Exacerbating these problems, socialist land redistribution led to smaller plots, overfarming, land degradation, land insecurity, and declining productivity.

Statism - Productivity Spiral. The economic pressures on one side and the ideological commitment to socialism on the other created a downward spiral. As statism increased, production declined, and statism increased further. The state began to regulate domestic food trade by region, resulting in a fragmented national economy, further reducing production incentives, and contributing to the devastating famines of the 1980s, even while the country’s disconnected leadership was planning lavish celebrations of the purported success of its policies. Ethiopia’s ideological allies, such as the Soviet Union, were facing their own food shortages for similar reasons, while Europe and the U.S. held the surplus. When the government finally acknowledged the crisis, Westerners were quick to send aid across the ideological chasm.

Resettlement and Villagization. A forced resettlement followed on the heels of the 1984 famine. In a society that values and relies on family relationships, 600,000 displaced Ethiopians were at a particular disadvantage. Resettlement was followed by villagization -- the conversion of the highland’s scattered hamlets, located near water and fields, into more densely populated, infrastructure-challenged villages located according to communication lines rather than resources.  Another government orchestrated social planning scheme, another failure.

From Socialism to Capitalism. In 1990, the government announced (some would say acknowledged) the end of socialism, and the Workers’ party was replaced with the Ethiopian Democratic Unity party. Many “villaged” people returned to their old homesteads, and farming collectives were dismantled. The economy is now in transition between socialism and capitalism. What was lost seemingly overnight, however, will take decades to rebuild.

Ethiopia continues to suffer from the loss of its wealthy and intellectual population, who were purged or fled in the 1970s, typical when communism becomes the dominant structure.

Another impediment to economic growth is the lack of private property. Notwithstanding the pronounced end to socialism, land continues to be owned by the state, which continues to stifle productivity and encourage overuse. While land may be leased for up to 40 years, most farms are operated by individual or family farmers (“smallholders”) who cannot afford long-term leases, and foreign investors are understandably cautious. 

Agriculture accounts for 85% of all employment and 85% of exports (U.S. Embassy Guide on How to Do Business in Ethiopia, http://ethiopia.usembassy.gov/doing_business_in_ethiopia.html); coffee accounts for over 55% of all exports (U.S. Embassy Guide). Smallholders produce 90% of Ethiopia’s coffee (Coffee Growing in Ethiopia on the Horn of Africa, http://www.africa-ata.org/coffee.htm). Despite their critical role in Ethiopia’s economy, most smallholders (76%) are uncertain whether their land will belong to them in five years (Project IDEELS North-South Conference: Building Partnerships for Sustainable Development, 2009, citing study by Ethiopian Economic Association, 2002, http://www.ideels.uni-bremen.de/land.html). With that in mind, consider that it generally takes four years for coffee plants to reach full production. Predictably, struggling smallholders are tempted to replace their coffee crop with khat, a narcotic that reaches full production yield quickly and is more profitable than coffee. Yet it is coffee, not khat, that offers Ethiopia a sustainable economic future and a healthy, productive population. 

Key industries, too, continue to be state-owned, which also has wide-spread repercussions. The state continues to have a monopoly on telecommunications, internet service (which remains costly and inadequate, in use by only 1% of the population), shipping companies, electrical power, and in-country air travel (Ethiopian Airlines), and owns many banks. (Howard, Sarah. Culture Smart. London: Bravo Ltd., 2010.) While the current government with one hand offers capitalism, with the other hand it continues its statist stranglehold on infrastructure components key to economic growth.

Conclusion. I am overwhelmed by the magnitude of the problems facing Ethiopia, heartbroken by the human consequences, and encouraged by the spirit and resilience of Ethiopians. They have a wonderful and rich history and will, God willing, overcome the challenges compounded over the past forty years, not because of any transient foreign aid, but because of their engrained domestic values, commitment, and resources. “It may take several generations before the logic of geography and history works to recreate the larger political and economic sphere necessary for a better future. In the end, Ethiopia will rise again.” (Marcus)

The director of our agency’s transition home in Addis Ababa is a beautiful, educated woman who, after living in Boston for a number of years, returned to Ethiopia to serve her country’s most vulnerable children. In her wisdom, she shares a couple of insights that weigh on my mind in particular. First, she reminds travel groups that while she appreciates adoptive families, she works for the children, and their wellbeing is always her primary motivation and concern. Second, her parting words to adoptive parents are reportedly this: You can’t save Ethiopia, but you can go home and be your child’s parent.

It is our privilege to be Isabella’s parents, and we pray for the future of the country that is entrusting her to us. 

Praying and Preparing

Even as I focus on the joy of having a daughter, decorate the nursery, shop for adorable baby girl clothes, dream of all the sweet times our family will share together, and groan at the wait, I know that the toughest days still lie ahead. 

There are the known challenges yet to come.  Bonding is not an easy process under any circumstances.  Isabella will be 6 - 8 months old when we bring her home.  Her world will crumble, as everything she knows is left behind.  She will feel as though she has been kidnapped by strangers. We will look, feel, smell, and sound so different than the special mothers she has grown to love.  Even her formula will taste different.  Her little heart will ache, even as we coax her to stop crying, to smile.  It may be months or years before she fully attaches to us.  Worse, she may be left with attachment disorder. 

This is not abstract theory.  We know families who have had these experiences, one family who even fears - yes, fears - their own pre-teen child.  Of course, we also know families who have endured immeasurable heartache as the result of the actions of their biological children; while the challenges and/or underlying causes may be different between adopted and biological children, no child comes with a Risk-Free Guarantee.  (Might be a business opportunity here though:  Get your child's 12-month Extended Warranty for just $99.99. Order in the next three minutes and we'll throw in anti-tantrum and auto-potty-training tablets for FREE!)

Attachment goes two ways.  We are in love with what we imagine Isabella to be like, with the smiling baby girl in the photos, but when we hold her in our arms, she will be a stranger.  We will be thrown back into sleepless nights, and sleep deprivation wreaks havoc with one's emotional and mental state.  Post-adoption depression is a real risk.  We love her now, my heart aches for her as I type this, but I know that our experience the first days, weeks, and months after we bring her home may still be very tough.

Then there are the unknown challenges.  Many developmental delays and health risks cannot be identified at this young age.  We may be faced with other challenges we cannot begin to imagine. 

We have done everything that we can to prepare, but the risks are still there and our ability to comprehend the impact certain challenges may have on our family is limited. The only thing that we know for certain is that His grace is sufficient, His plan without flaws. While we do our best to prepare for tomorrow as we are led, we do not worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34).

In the meantime...  Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands. Serve the Lord with gladness; come before His presence with singing.  Know ye that the Lord, He is God, it is He that hath made us and not we ourselves. We are His people and the sheep of His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him, and bless His name. For the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endureth to all generations.  Psalm 100

Rejoicing indeed!

Mickey Mouse, Pirates & Princesses

We just got back from Disneyland!

Uncle Kevin, Auntie Jill, and Grandma braved the Tower of Terror with us:

...but Grandma and Matthew bailed on Splash Mountain:

This was our first Disneyland trip without Jon's mom, who passed away last year.  The Happiest Place on Earth isn't quite the same without Nana.

I thought that the vacation would take our minds off of the wait, but everywhere I looked I was reminded of Isabella. At the beginning of the day, her photo looked back at me from the bathroom mirror.  Throughout the day, each time I saw anything princess, I thought of my baby girl.  There are a lot of princesses in Disneyland... At the end of the day, during the fireworks, I sniffled when they played these lyrics:

Baby mine, don't you cry

Baby mine, dry your eyes

Rest your head close to my heart

Never to part, baby of mine

***

You're so precious to me

Cute as can be, baby of mine

Exercising incredible restraint and remembering that we were out of room in the single carryon that I packed for me and Matthew, I only bought Isabella a FEW presents:

Matthew had the most fun, of course.  His favorite rides?  Pirates of the Caribbean and Small World.  After Thunder Mountain Railroad, he declared "no more roller coasters!" and stuck to that rule for the rest of the trip.  Everything else was fair game, especially if it included an opportunity to shoot things:

I think I was hit by friendly fire several times during the Jungle Cruise...

The only thing better than free coach tickets to Disneyland is free first-class tickets home (gotta love the American Express introductory offer):

Matthew is obsessed with the emergency evacuation plan. Deploying a slide to exit the plane sounds like fun. Oxygen masks? Even better!

On the return flight, I was quite happy in a seat by myself. While Jon got to answer questions like "but Daddy, how do you OPEN the door," for two hours, I read A History of Ethiopia and Culture Smart - Ethiopia while relaxing in an oversized comfy seat, sipping soda from a real glass cup, and munching on edible snacks that included fresh pita bread with hummus. A perfect end to a fun vacation!