Waiting

Waiting.

If Waiting is supposed to teach me patience, it should be fired for failing miserably.

Waiting wasn't difficult when we were expecting Matthew. After being (oh so very!) surprised by the unexpected, 9 months did not seem like nearly enough time to get used to the idea.

Waiting for our daughter, however, feels like an eternity. How long ago it seems that we first researched adoption... prayed... completed the paperwork... prayed... met with our social worker... prayed... read books, studied Ethiopia, crunched numbers, rearranged rooms, poured over baby names, and - you guessed it! - prayed.

Easter 2010. Our dossier is completed. Her nursery is finished. Her closet is full of clothes and toys. Her name is tentatively chosen.

And so we wait.

This past month, referrals by our agency came to a sudden, screeching halt. Not coincidentally, we suspect, the same month our agency's Ethiopia program director and staff had their time consumed by inter-agency and governmental meetings regarding the new travel requirement that has many adoptive families like us scrambling emotionally and financially to come to terms with a second trip.

Many people ask why it takes "so long" to adopt a child if the need is so great. (Of course, their perception of the time that it takes is tainted by my own impatience!) A significant amount of investigation and paperwork must be completed to confirm a child's eligibility for adoption and prepare the child's file for "referral" to an adoptive family. While the need for forever families is great, there is an equally great need to ensure that children are protected, that adoption is their best option, and that their individual circumstances are understood so that they are correctly matched with their families. Because government and agency resources are limited, the referral process takes time.

And so we continue to wait.

Excited. Frustrated.

Hopeful. Anxious.

With the slowing of referrals in March, if referrals return to the usual rate in April with no "catch up," our adoption timeline will be pushed out another month - we should not expect to receive a referral until late June or July.

A month delay in referral may mean another two months delay between referral and bringing our daughter home. Ethiopia courts close 1 - 2 months during the rainy season, usually around July/August/September. With that in mind, a June/July referral may mean a court date delayed until as late as October, and a Gotcha Day pushed out to November or December.

Emotions run wild. I am mentally pacing the floor, trying to keep busy to distract myself from the interminable wait. I borrow other people's children under the pretense of playdates for Matthew - a feeble attempt to ease the longing in my heart for my own daughter.

My clock is ticking.

Waiting.